So we’ve been doing this Biggest Loser contest at work and its team-based. This means that six weeks ago, my partner and I weighed in and combined our weight. Two weeks from now, we’ll weigh in a final time and the team which has the highest percentage of weight loss from their original weight will win the $20 from each person.

Now, I’ve been eating a much more balanced diet with an emphasis on protein, good carbs and good fat. I’m in the gym lifting three days a week with my partner and we swim laps a fourth day. I still keep up my pizza-nights on Fridays and try to eat moderately Saturday and Sunday. I feel better and I look better but I’m not losing any weight.

Remember muscle weighs more than fat. So, initially as the body replaces fat with muscle, the gross weight of the body will go up slightly and then down since muscle burns more calories per hour than fat does. My problem is that this transition will take longer than eight weeks to happen–so my team is likely going to lose this competition but we will win the war.

Also, I did a month-long colon cleansing that I’ve been reading about for a couple years. This stuff, which comes from Dr. Natura Dot Com includes taking like twenty pills a day, eating this fiberous shit in the mornings and drinking a tea that makes you shit explosively the next day. It all sounds terrible but I assure you that it was worth every grubbing nickel I spent on it. No nasty worms or egg sacks or anything came out like some of the people on the site talk about and I certainly didn’t take any pictures of my shit like some of those people did but I feel better and my stomach is flatter (helped out by the diet and core-strengthening excercises).

And this brings me to the speedos. Not the nut-hugging banana hammock kind but the ones which look more like boxer briefs. My swimming trunks were like cutoff parachute pants with all kinds of zippers and nets and shit and it trying to do laps with a perpetual air bubble on your ass causes too much drag.

So, I went with the S to the P to the Double E DO. The difference is amazing. Sure, a boner would be impossible to shield in these things but any man who can get and maintain an erection in sixty degree water is more of a man than I. Still, though, it’s hard to resist the urge to shove a sock in the speedo to make it look like I’ve got a canolli the size of a california redwood just to get the reaction from the rubber nipple-headed swimming chicks at the gym. Unfortunately, I’m not that adventurous anymore.

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