Velvet Beauty

If someone put a gun to my head and made me say out loud the worst three things about me as a person, they would be:

  1. I am a serial masturbator.
  2. I smoke too many cigars.
  3. I play too much Guitar Hero which is a bitch because I have carpal tunnel from jerking off three times a day for twenty-four years.

I’m sure other people would pick other shit about me that they hate but I could give a fuck what those pricks think. I was in love once and it’s been that way ever since–the focus of my passion changes but the same smeared backwash hangs around like puke tastes after a hurl and before a drink of water. For now, my love is Guitar Hero.

I play on Thursdays at Baja Sol down at the Lennox on the West Side of Columbus for the $202 cash prize. It used to be $2,002 in honor of the Buckeyes Undefeated 14-0 season but times are tough so now it’s $202. It gives me an excuse to drink to forget and the bathroom smells like lilac covered shit which is about as good a smell as anyone can expect nowadays.

I’ve won eleven weeks in a row and nobody I know can touch me on Expert level–even on that fucking Through the Fire and Flames. The way my fingers fly up and down the neck of that molded plastic guitar surprises me sometimes. I’ve been thinking lately at the end of my shower, when the hot water layers my face like a limestone. I’ve been thinking this whole thing of playing with my dick has been practice for Guitar Hero.

Well, stay with me here now because I’m serious.

I believe that everyone is here for something and that I am here to pleasure myself and play killer Guitar Hero. My goal is to make everyone in the room laugh when I’m on stage. You know, I play it one legged. I play it behind my back. I play it with my teeth and tongue like Hendrix played Nashville in Sixty Five. I play Guitar Hero like my dick is twelve feet long and just rolled out the cuff of my trousers. I once played the entire Moving Pictures album on Rock Band in my underwear down at Annie’s one tournament night. Shit, I played the final song Vital Signs with a boner and didn’t give a damn.

It all went downhill when I saw her on the jumbo screen at the OSU game. They were playing Miami University and fuck those guys can’t play football. I’m talking boredom leaking from the asshole. So I was watching the crowd, the painted up douche bags and the breasts with a woman attached two rows down. I just happened to look up at the screen down at the plugged up end of the Shoe and there she was. Smiling. And that motherfucker was next to her. Smiling–with a fucking candy apple. What kind of man eats a candy apple at a fucking college football game? I bit my fucking tongue by accident and spit blood into my empty Dasini for the next fifteen minutes. And I was sitting there next to Stoney, a man I’ve known for more than 20 years.  And I felt kind of lonely I guess. Even with Stoney and his goofy fucking Scarlet and Gray jester hat on that he’s had since Moses wore short pants.

I remember this time I was twelve. I went on vacation with a good friend’s family driving to Oregon for a two week vacation. They had a conversion van and I jerked it twelve times in four hours just lying on the cargo floor and staring at everyone’s feet under the bench seat. I didn’t moan. I didn’t breathe heavy.  My hand dripped like candle wax before I toweled it off on the inside of my underwear. I told an ex about this once and she said it was the loneliest thing she ever heard of–jerking off while everyone else in the car carried on with life.  She thought it was sad but that’s when I knew I had talent.

And fuck it because I’ve still got Thursday nights on the West Side and I’ve got the Sonic Burger in Whitehall afterward. I’ve got a nine dollar late fee to pay at the CP Library which is still under their ten dollar limit. I’m still borrowing from others for nothing–I mean, it’s not something you’d put on your resume but it keeps my ass rolling out of bed in the morning.

And I’m thinking about Tangled Up in Blue as Thursday night’s show opener.

Creative Commons License photo credit: cobalt123

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