Have you ever been verbally accosted by an aggressive Republican? Democrats accost too but not as viciously as Republicans. Well, I used to be one of those nasty shameless Republican voters who confronted everyone I knew about their political views.

I am no longer that person. Now I set traps for them, gut them mentally and roast their bones over an open flame.

When an aggressive Bush lover confronts me, I begin by riffing on Bill Hicks. I say:

Do you know what politics are like in America?

[Simulate puppets with both hands talking to each other]

Left Puppet: “I think the puppet on the left agrees with me!”

Right puppet: “Well, I think the puppet on the right shares my views.”

Offstage Voice: “Hey, wait a minute! There’s one guy holding up both puppets!”

[Right puppet breaks character and speaks to audience]

Right puppet: “SHUT UP! Go back to bed America, there is nothing to see here. THREAT LEVEL ORANGE! THREAT LEVEL RED! There’s a woman with a vaseline and a screwdriver on an airplane. OH MY GOD, SHE’S GOT A NOTE!”

Left puppet: “Wait, that’s just a hoax!”

Right puppet [Kicking left puppet off stage]: “SHUT UP! Be afraid. Be afraid. You will die. You will die…if you don’t vote Republican. Vote Republican!”

Voice Under: This message was paid for by the Republican National Committee and brought to you by Fox News.

See, I’m sick and tired of being told that unless I vote for a political machine that my vote is being wasted. I voted a straight Republican ticket for the past eight years and they have SHAMED me! More money is being spent on more bullshit under this administration than any previous in history. We are at war and, supposedly, aren’t supposed to feel any safer five years later than on 9/10/2001. Hell, World War II didn’t even last this long for America and our weapons were archaic back then compared to now.

No, no more. I’m voting my core values from this point on and if my candidate loses, he (or she) is going to do it with my support.

And any big mouth Republicans or Democrats who try and step up to talk shit are going to learn why my American hero is Patrick Henry and not Ronald Reagan.

“I take seven emcees, put ‘em in a line. Then add seven more brothas who think they can rhyme. And it’ll take seven more before I go for mine. Now that’s 21 emcees ate up at the same time.”

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