Joshua Minton’s Online Pulpit : The Dangers and Demons of a Minton Political Life

The Dangers and Demons of a Minton Political Life

Posted by Joshua Bradley Minton in January 30th, 2007

I got an e-mail the other day from an old bong buddy I’ve regrettably lost contact with through the years in which he said:

we need an honest person in office. someone who is completely ignorant of how corruption works. you keep coming to mind. how in the fuck does one get the funds to run without being millionaire? if you know the answer, you should run. if you get 2 votes, i would be the other one.

Let me say now, for the record, that I, Joshua Minton, being of sound mind, body and spirit, will never in my life seek a political office. The reason why goes back twelve years.

It is the summer after my graduation from high school and my buddy Pete is having a pretty big throw together bash at his parents’ crib. This is before I have discovered the wonders of marijuana or the benefits of beer that isn’t sold at a United Dairy Farmers. I do, however, carry what is called a church key on my keychain. A church key, for those who don’t know is nothing more than a can opener which punctures the top of a sealed can in one of those pyramid wedges which you can then pour out. Puncturing the opposite side of an open can of beer allows the beer to flow more freely due to air pressure mechanics that I have neither the knowledge or the patience to explain in this forum.

So anyway, I was about 65 inches tall at the time and weighed in at a whopping 115 lbs sopping wet. I had a big mouth and bigger friends to back it up. And I was drunk, had been hitting the Bacardi 151 with my buddy who sent the e-mail referenced above. And I was making the rounds of the party, making a complete ass of myself I’m sure.

Being of proud German-Irish descent, I never shrunk from the opportunity to expose my genitalia to what I perceived to be an audience held in aesthetic arrest of a semi-erect member being wielded by a severely drunken and skinny white kid. This night, however, storm clouds were brewing and a fight was in the air.

I walked up to one of the tallest basketball players on our team, Malley I think his name was. He was a good enough guy, I didn’t know him that well. I offered him a church key for his beer and he refused. Well, the liquor in me took that as an insult especially since he refused in front of other people. That hurt my pride and for some dumb full of cum reason I offered again. He refused again. I tried to force the puncture in his can, he withdrew and raised his voice.

Here was a critical moment of decision for the young Master Minton. I could have taken the path of Obi-Wan and shrugged off the perceived insult as the way of the Force trying to balance itself or I could listen to the little Palpatine on my shoulder and take it to the streets.

I took it to the streets.

I came up to this dude’s belly button but I shoved him as hard as I could and pushed him back a few steps. I grabbed his half full beer can out of his hands and threw it at his face. I yelled in the voice of a demon, “Malley, I’ll EAT YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT!!!” Folks, at that moment, I do believe I could have killed the man had I been cursed with the physical ability to do so with my bare hands. Luckily, I was endowed with a big brain, above average genitalia and a short body instead of topsy turvey round about. And I was blessed with good friends, the best actually. They picked me up and husked me inside to cool off.

In the meantime, Malley had time to process what had just happened–how his manhood had been challenged and taken inside with me and he was pissed off to the highest of pisstivity. Now he wanted to fight and I was inside Pete’s house, brain still soaking in Bacardi and had practically forgotten the entire incident already–my mind no doubt switching from violence to sex as I scoped out a piece of ass to tail.

Long story medium–we didn’t end up fighting. Everything cooled out and I think Malley and I ended up sharing a joint together the following summer before the bonds of high school acquaintanceship broke completely away and those who weren’t the best of friends went streaming from each other’s lives like neutrinos after the big bang.

But that demon voice that spoke that night is still nestled in my brain, lying dormant on most days and fortunately for me has never surfaced like it did that night. I have made plenty of dumb mistakes in my life but each of them I would own up to as something I likely thought was right at the time. I don’t know who I was in those three minutes that night with Malley but I didn’t and don’t like the possibility of what I could have become.

And I believe that politics would draw that demon out of me like no other stimuli in the universe besides protecting my family from mortal danger. I am much better in business where the challenges are focused on clear objectives and the politics all line up underneath the umbrella of those objectives. Raw power for the sake of power itself can bring nothing but misery to our species and I am making a life stand when I say that I want none of it.

Malley, if you’re out there–big ups my man. What happened that night had nothing to do with you and I’m sorry you got caught in the crossfire from the lesser angel of my nature.

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