An old writing school buddy e-mailed me to ask if I was pissed about the rumor that JJ Abrams is producing a Dark Tower television series based on Stephen King’s 7-book magnum opus, a series of books which I consider to be one of the best series of the Post-Post Modern era (I hate that literary criticism shit, don’t you?).

So here’s the story. Two years ago, I sat down and wrote a screenplay for the first book of the Gunslinger in the format of a one hour television show without commercials that would be the basis for a miniseries. It was a labor of love and it was good, something I was very proud of considering it was the first screenplay I ever wrote.

I am a writer, not a businessman although I’ve studied a lot about business over the past two years. I had a completed screenplay but no idea how to get it to the man who wrote the book to take a look at it. So, I did a little research and found the agent who handles Stephen King’s international business and thought that would be a good place to start.

I packaged it up with love and put it in the good hands of the USPS.

Two weeks later, I got an e-mail from a lawyer. Stephen King’s lawyer. It wasn’t a threat exactly but there were foreboding undertones to the content. It was basically a cease and desist demand. Stop writing or we’re going to sue your ass for plagiarism and whatever other copyright infringement we can think of. I was told not to write any other Dark Tower screenplays and not to show anyone else what I had written–that I could keep my stuff on my own computer for my own literary self-masturbatory purposes and thank you very much for trying but no thank you, dickhead.

I have to tell you, my peeps; the whole thing left a sour taste in my mouth for the whole publishing thing. I don’t know what I expected–the most successful author in the world getting my screenplay, reading it and saying, “You know, this no-name kid with no agent has some talent–let’s give him a million dollars to write ten scripts that will be way better than that piece of shit Kingdom Hospital.”

I guess some part of me expected that, but I’ve always been a pretentious ass who half believes that just because you make the effort to reach out for something means that something should at least have the fucking decency to be there waiting for you.

But I ceased and desisted and the screenplay still sits gathering electronic dust in a folder on my hard drive to this day. Of course, the lawyer and agent said they were not going to show to script to Stephen King and that they would be sending it back to me immediately. I never received it back and I don’t expect to.

I’m not a litigious person by nature and I’m not making any inferences of impropriety here–all I’m saying is that there’s a right way and a wrong way to treat people and I was rolled over by these New York douche bags like the middle of the country isn’t what holds shit together in the good old U.S. of A.

So, Stephen–I’m no hater, man. You still wrote the greatest series of books it’s been my pleasure to read in my lifetime thus far (followed closely by Harry Potter, of course) but you really need to get you new representation. And I wish JJ Abrams luck with producing the Dark Tower–I just hope he doesn’t eff it up like he’s in danger of doing with Lost if they don’t find an interesting story line again toot sweet.

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