There are no winners with this issue.

As men, we’re socially trained to do something about any problem, to take action, to not sit around and stew in our emotions. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what a situation like this calls for–long, deliberated self-reflection.

Counseling is always a good idea and if you can convince her to do couples counseling, this would be even better.

Watching the video won’t help a thing. In my opinion, it should be destroyed. There isn’t anything sentimental or beneficial in keeping it around.

Again, it’s a tough situation when men who are really animals take by force what real men value through time, attention and patience. But I’m a believer in Karma and if those pricks should find their faces meeting a steel pipe in a bar fight while their guts are eviscerated and burned in front of them Old English style–well, that would be poetic justice would it not?

In your article, Crossroads of the Heart (http://www.boyswearpants.com/archives/747#more-747) you mention being long time friends with the leader of a gang rape of your ex-girlfriend. When talking about how to deal with that you write, “… if you’re a man who just wants to be a good man, you might do like I did. Smile at the prick, look like you’ve wished him well all these years and imagine that he wakes up screaming at night.”

I recently learned my girlfriend had her virginity gang raped at a frat party her freshman year many years ago. There were never any charges filed. A few days after the incident the rape leader and a few others cornered her in a garage and said they put the video of the entire thing online and post the location if she talked. They even gave her a vhs to prove they taped it. A year later after she had shut herself completely off from society and declined from a model student to a wounded soul. She went through the stages of depression and vaulted into rebellion against everyone and everything. At a low point she lost grip on many things and ultimately broke to her parents what had happened to her when seeking solace. They encouraged her to be on her own and grow up. Her father never looked at her the same and I think he blames in some way her for what happened. To this day she has debilitating panic attacks in certain social situations and frequent nightmares. She refuses to go into too many details to anyone at much length without shutting down. Her psychiatrist watched the tape and told her she was unconscious for some parts and the number of assailants was more than double what she thought. I get nassious thinking about it.

She eventually told me one day because I was playing on the internet looked up her name and she almost ripped my laptop from my hands crying. She was thinking the video would be online and connected to her name. Under tears, she told me the long horrible story and made me promise not to ever search for her name. Even though I promised I couldnt help myself one night and had to search and see if this crime was out here being broadcasted to the world. I did comprehensive searches and found nothing. I told her it was probably never online in the first place. Since I found out, It has been hard to keep from dying inside thinking about the horrible thing that happened to her. My faith has been weakened and many aspects of my life are becoming victim. A single act of violence many years ago is continuing to wreak havoc on this girls life and is now affecting mine. She tells me that she has gotten past it and she doesn’t want that incident to cause any more pain thatn it already has. In public she has a demeanor of grace and style and beauty. As critical a person as I am I fell in love with her in the first few meetings. She has it all and even has a career in service to those less fortunate. She just wants to put it past her. I wish I had her strength to do the same. She is so admirable.

At times I do have her strength, but then Ill see that empty look in her eyes and her hands twitching and her voice change and how she just wishes to be safe and I know it is because she is having a flashback; something that reminded her of that horrible night. Why does this girl have to live with this pain while those that attacked her are unpunsihed. It is those times when I see hurt that I remember all over again the story and feel utterly helpless. Your post says that you do what and good man should - nothing.

I know where she has the video.

Should I watch it? Should I find who these assailants are? Should I take the video to the police? Should I watch men beat, brake and defile her? Should I track them down?

I heard somewhere that the world is doomed because of the indifference of good men.

Today I will pray that men will not be indifferent to assault. I will be thankful for having her in my life. I will try to forgive those that assaulted her, and I will continue to feel helpless.

-Simon