Yesterday I had the distinct honor and unique experience of acting as officiator at one of my best friend’s weddings. When they asked me marry them last September, I was very humbled but also scared and without any idea of how one gets a minister’s license to marry without being affiliated with any church. Those of you who know me, know that I would never be a member of any church that would have me as a parishioner and I wasn’t about to join a church just to become a minister because I’m sure that involved kissing someone’s ass and professing something I don’t believe at all.

So, I did the natural next step–I went to the Internet. I remember Chris in the Morning on Northern Exposure getting a minister’s license from an advertisement in the back of Rolling Stone magazine. The first site I came across was Universal Life Church which will let anyone (even Satanists) become ordained ministers. They also have a Jedi Knight license which I was very tempted to apply for but I’m sure that my friend and his bride didnt’ want to see a light saber come out during their ceremony. So, I kept it simple. I sent my application in and a few weeks later, had some hard copy credentials in my hand. Another application and $10 fee to the Ohio Secretary of State and a few more weeks later and I had my license to marry people in the state of Ohio.

That was the easy part. Then came the actual writing of the ceremony.

I detest long and pompous ceremonies with endless readings and hymns and all that bullshit. After all, a few well spoken words can bring the mood and the hearts of the attendees right to the place they need to be during a ceremony. So, I approached it with that in mind. My friend and his (now) wife chose two readings and wrote their own vows so I was responsible for two speeches, one introducing the ceremony and saying something personal about my friends getting married and the second one was something about the symbolism of the rings, the sacredness of marriage and then pronouncing them man and wife. The only other thing I had to say was to introduce them as a married couple and to let everyone know that the wedding party would be taking pictures and they could have drinks and apps while they waited (they had two frozen margarita machines which were both truly excellent–I want one in my house).

It all went over pretty well. I got several compliments about the ceremony and I think everyone appreciated how brief it was (it barely lasted ten minutes) and how much time they could then spend mingling and having fun.

The one point of mild embarassment I endured was the night before the wedding at the rehearsal dinner when one of the attendees asked for a blessing before the meal. Now, I totally understand why people bless the food before their meals. My wife’s family are hardcore Catholics and do the whole “nameadufather…” litany every time they eat and I bow my head and play along and even say Amen at the end.

But I am totally uncomfortable saying grace before a meal and I won’t do it. I just don’t have it within me to invoke the word God in front of people like it was a personality I was calling out through a ouija board. If it works for you or your loved ones, more power to you but to me it would have been a lie and I’m not in the habit of lying during special occasions for my closest friends. I hope they weren’t offended, I’m sure they weren’t.

Anyway, I made it through what is usually a highly religious ceremony without invoking the words Godor Jesus yet I believe that I brought a level of sacredness and propriety that made all present feel as if they were participating in a very solemn and special event. Altogether, not a bad day’s work for being an eternal sinner and part-time blasphemer. If anyone ever loves you enough to ask you to perform this task, I highly recommend it. It’s both humbling and eye opening.

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